"Believe me, if I were still single right now, I'd want to be married too. I am so much happier with my husband and family."
The
media depicts sex after marriage as this pretty bleak affair for both
genders: men supposedly want more of it, women never have orgasms, etc.
In this week's "," Cosmopolitan.com spoke with four women about their actual experiences with sex after marriage, the good and the bad.
How old are you?Woman A:
Forty-one.
Forty-one.
Woman B:
Forty-six.
Forty-six.
Woman C:
Forty-five.
Forty-five.
Woman D:
Thirty-two.
Thirty-two.
How long have you been married? Woman A:
Ten years, 13 days.
Ten years, 13 days.
Woman B:
Twenty-one years.
Twenty-one years.
Woman C:
Six years.
Six years.
Woman D:
Five and a half years.
Five and a half years.
Are you both monogamous?Woman A:
Yes.
Yes.
Woman B:
Yes.
Yes.
Woman C:
Indeed, and we trust each other completely.
Indeed, and we trust each other completely.
Woman D:
Yes, we are.
Yes, we are.
How much did you guys have sex before you got married (if at all)? Woman A:
We waited until we were in love and had said the words before we had sex for the first time, which was about six weeks after we started dating. For two divorced adults, I thought that was an impressive wait!
We waited until we were in love and had said the words before we had sex for the first time, which was about six weeks after we started dating. For two divorced adults, I thought that was an impressive wait!
Woman B:
We didn't, because I am a Christian who does not believe in sex before marriage. My now-husband is a Christian too, but he believed we would be forgiven because we loved each other. I was in love with him, so we dry-humped and had sex without vaginal penetration about twice a week. We broke up for a year before getting engaged, though, because I could not stand the guilt about doing things sexually before marriage. When we got back together, I was firm that time about no sex before marriage.
We didn't, because I am a Christian who does not believe in sex before marriage. My now-husband is a Christian too, but he believed we would be forgiven because we loved each other. I was in love with him, so we dry-humped and had sex without vaginal penetration about twice a week. We broke up for a year before getting engaged, though, because I could not stand the guilt about doing things sexually before marriage. When we got back together, I was firm that time about no sex before marriage.
Woman C:
Often. Daily. As much as we could.
Often. Daily. As much as we could.
Woman D:
Every chance we got! At the studio, in parking garages, restaurants, you name it!
Every chance we got! At the studio, in parking garages, restaurants, you name it!
Why did you decide to have sex before you got married? Woman A:
Because I would not marry someone who sucked in bed. Sexual chemistry is a vital part of a happy marriage. And we already knew we had a strong chemistry from the fireworks whenever we kissed. Waiting a year wasn't an option. We'd also already been married and had previous sexual partners, and holding out didn't seem important because we weren't virgins anyway.
Because I would not marry someone who sucked in bed. Sexual chemistry is a vital part of a happy marriage. And we already knew we had a strong chemistry from the fireworks whenever we kissed. Waiting a year wasn't an option. We'd also already been married and had previous sexual partners, and holding out didn't seem important because we weren't virgins anyway.
Woman B: N/A.
Woman C:
We have such an intense connection, physically, emotionally, spiritually, eternally. That said, we felt married before signing a piece of paper and sealed our bond on our terms.
We have such an intense connection, physically, emotionally, spiritually, eternally. That said, we felt married before signing a piece of paper and sealed our bond on our terms.
Woman D:
When we met, I swore he would just be stuck in the "friend zone" with no hopes of coming out. Needless to say, he became my best friend and I saw no point in waiting. I wanted him bad!
When we met, I swore he would just be stuck in the "friend zone" with no hopes of coming out. Needless to say, he became my best friend and I saw no point in waiting. I wanted him bad!
Did you have sex on your wedding night? Woman A:
Yes.
Yes.
Woman B:
No, I freaked out because vaginal sex hurt. We kept trying, but I did not like the feel of it at first.
No, I freaked out because vaginal sex hurt. We kept trying, but I did not like the feel of it at first.
Woman C:
Of course. We were so excited to connect with each other officially as husband and wife.
Of course. We were so excited to connect with each other officially as husband and wife.
Woman D:
Unfortunately, no. We didn't have a wedding and just did the courthouse thing, and I was sick as a dog.
Unfortunately, no. We didn't have a wedding and just did the courthouse thing, and I was sick as a dog.
How did your sex life change after the wedding? Woman A:
It did not. It still has not.
It did not. It still has not.
Woman B:
It got more stressful. I found out that the vaginal sex hurt because of an injury I suffered as a child (molestation and also surgery). I got the injury repaired, and we had a great sex life for a while. My husband later became addicted to porn, and our sex life became off and on. Then we got help and our relationship, sexual and otherwise, recovered. Later, his high blood pressure and stress levels caused a dramatic decrease in his sex drive. We are still dealing with those medical issues because he is too ashamed to get the kind of help he needs to get his libido back.
It got more stressful. I found out that the vaginal sex hurt because of an injury I suffered as a child (molestation and also surgery). I got the injury repaired, and we had a great sex life for a while. My husband later became addicted to porn, and our sex life became off and on. Then we got help and our relationship, sexual and otherwise, recovered. Later, his high blood pressure and stress levels caused a dramatic decrease in his sex drive. We are still dealing with those medical issues because he is too ashamed to get the kind of help he needs to get his libido back.
Woman C:-
It didn't. Only after having a child and starting new businesses did we become so busy that we had more to do besides just go out to dinner then have sex.
It didn't. Only after having a child and starting new businesses did we become so busy that we had more to do besides just go out to dinner then have sex.
Woman D:
After we were married, it didn't change right away. About a year in, we weren't getting it in as frequently because of us starting our business.
After we were married, it didn't change right away. About a year in, we weren't getting it in as frequently because of us starting our business.
What has been the most exciting time for your marriage, sexually? Woman A: It's
always been exciting. I'd say we had more sex for the first two years after we got married (like many times a week), and now it's more like once a week or twice. But the sex is still wicked amazing. Our physical attraction is very strong.
Woman B:
None of them have been that exciting, but some of them have been
consistent. For the first five years, we were consistent in our sex
life. Then we became inconsistent when the porn entered in.
Woman C:
Make-up sex is just as good as romantic sex because we know we are victorious in everything we want in life, including our love.
Make-up sex is just as good as romantic sex because we know we are victorious in everything we want in life, including our love.
Woman D:
Since we have kids, we love sneaking away somewhere in the house (or outside) when the kids are home. It's the thrill of potentially getting caught by the kiddos.
Since we have kids, we love sneaking away somewhere in the house (or outside) when the kids are home. It's the thrill of potentially getting caught by the kiddos.
The least exciting? Woman A:
When my husband threw out his back and we couldn't have sex.
When my husband threw out his back and we couldn't have sex.
Woman B:
The last four years have been the least exciting. We have averaged sex about twice a year. It has been horrible.
The last four years have been the least exciting. We have averaged sex about twice a year. It has been horrible.
Woman C:
Diaper duty. But luckily we got through that together and no longer have to do extra laundry.
Diaper duty. But luckily we got through that together and no longer have to do extra laundry.
Woman D:
The least exciting is when one of us has worked a 14-hour day and the other wants to have sex. We still have it but it's not the same because the energy level isn't the same.
The least exciting is when one of us has worked a 14-hour day and the other wants to have sex. We still have it but it's not the same because the energy level isn't the same.
When you have dry spells, what's usually the cause of it? Woman A:
Work stress, work travel, or injuries.
Work stress, work travel, or injuries.
Woman B:
Medical issues are the cause now. It used to be porn and his fantasies of other women.
Medical issues are the cause now. It used to be porn and his fantasies of other women.
Woman C:
Lack of communication. I am a Leo so I have no problem speaking my mind. My husband is the Cancer and therefore the quieter one, so once he comes out of his shell, we quickly light up the fire again.
Lack of communication. I am a Leo so I have no problem speaking my mind. My husband is the Cancer and therefore the quieter one, so once he comes out of his shell, we quickly light up the fire again.
Woman D:
For me, it's normally stress from our business. My husband will pick up on that even if I give him the "everything is fine" speech. The va-jay-jay doesn't lie.
For me, it's normally stress from our business. My husband will pick up on that even if I give him the "everything is fine" speech. The va-jay-jay doesn't lie.
How do you get past them? Woman A:
Knowing how great it will feel once we are together again.
Knowing how great it will feel once we are together again.
Woman B:
I do a lot of praying. Then we have some very honest heart-to-heart conversations. The last four years have been hard because I don't want to scar his male ego by telling him that he is boring me. I have talked to him about needing to revive our sex life, but he is still unable to perform at the level we need.
I do a lot of praying. Then we have some very honest heart-to-heart conversations. The last four years have been hard because I don't want to scar his male ego by telling him that he is boring me. I have talked to him about needing to revive our sex life, but he is still unable to perform at the level we need.
Woman C:
Wet kisses are the best remedy for dry patches.
Wet kisses are the best remedy for dry patches.
Woman D:
More foreplay, like if he gives me a full body massage with body oil or something.
More foreplay, like if he gives me a full body massage with body oil or something.
What do you think is the ideal amount of sex for you and your spouse? Woman A: Twice a week.
Woman B:
Ideally, I would like to be at three times a week or more, but I would take once a week right now, or even once a month.
Ideally, I would like to be at three times a week or more, but I would take once a week right now, or even once a month.
Woman C:
As much as we can have, but sex is never as good unless we keep our romance at its finest.
As much as we can have, but sex is never as good unless we keep our romance at its finest.
Woman D: I would say four times weekly.
What are your biggest concerns, sexually? Woman A: Getting old and not being physically attractive enough anymore.
Woman B: That I will stop desiring my husband. I don't want to start resenting him on a regular basis.
Woman C: I guess I don't have any.
Woman D:
My biggest concern would be running out of creative ways to enjoy each other sexually. We know we have access to sex toys, which is great, but I sometimes wonder if we will get tired of them. What I try to do is limit how often we use the toys, so it's maybe once per week. That forces us to be more creative.
My biggest concern would be running out of creative ways to enjoy each other sexually. We know we have access to sex toys, which is great, but I sometimes wonder if we will get tired of them. What I try to do is limit how often we use the toys, so it's maybe once per week. That forces us to be more creative.
What's something you've always wanted to try but haven't told your spouse? Or what was the hardest fantasy to share with them? Woman A:
Nothing. We're pretty adventurous.
Nothing. We're pretty adventurous.
Woman B:
I want to try sexual role-play. I want him to desire me so much that he can't wait to take all my clothes off and lick me all over. I want him to start with the toes and go all the way up.
I want to try sexual role-play. I want him to desire me so much that he can't wait to take all my clothes off and lick me all over. I want him to start with the toes and go all the way up.
Woman C:
Honey, believe me, I am not sexually shy.
Woman D:
Anal.
Definitely. I've had anal before and he wants to do it and he knows
I've done it before, but I hate the feeling of "loose booty" afterward.
He doesn't know I hate that feeling, so he just assumes I never want to
do it again, but that's not the case.
Do you feel like you have more or less sex than your other married friends? Woman A: More.
Woman B:
Much less.
Much less.
Woman C:
I tend to not get involved in other people's personal lives, but they certainly imagine that our love life is better. I never kiss and tell.
I tend to not get involved in other people's personal lives, but they certainly imagine that our love life is better. I never kiss and tell.
Woman D:
You know, I'm not sure. I would like to think my friends are getting it four to five times per week, but you just never know.
You know, I'm not sure. I would like to think my friends are getting it four to five times per week, but you just never know.
Do you think you have more or less than your single friends? Woman A:
More than some, but about the same as those who are actively dating.
More than some, but about the same as those who are actively dating.
Woman B:
Much less. This is so terrible to me. I should be setting the example of the best sex ever. Monogamous, married sex ought to be the best, the hottest, and the most intimate sex around.
Much less. This is so terrible to me. I should be setting the example of the best sex ever. Monogamous, married sex ought to be the best, the hottest, and the most intimate sex around.
Woman C:
More. Just about all of my single friends are looking for love and wishing they could have the same glory (and misery) that married life entails. Believe me, if I were still single right now, I'd want to be married too. I am so much happier with my husband and family.
More. Just about all of my single friends are looking for love and wishing they could have the same glory (and misery) that married life entails. Believe me, if I were still single right now, I'd want to be married too. I am so much happier with my husband and family.
Woman D:
Definitely more than my single friends.
Definitely more than my single friends.
Now that you've been married for a while, do you feel like sex is better, worse, or the same? Woman A: Better.
Woman B:
I have never had a sexual relationship with anyone else other than my husband, but it's even worse now than when I was having sex with him before marriage and feeling all of that guilt and shame about it.
I have never had a sexual relationship with anyone else other than my husband, but it's even worse now than when I was having sex with him before marriage and feeling all of that guilt and shame about it.
Woman C:
Better. Besides, it's pretty awesome to know that you are definitely going to get lucky after drinks and dinner.
Better. Besides, it's pretty awesome to know that you are definitely going to get lucky after drinks and dinner.
Woman D:
It's better. I'm comfortable with my husband, so I feel free.
It's better. I'm comfortable with my husband, so I feel free.
What are some things you've tried to "spice up" your sex life, if any? Woman A:
Sex toys. Sexy lingerie. Vibrators that have too many bells and whistles were a bust. Candy underwear definitely did not work.
Sex toys. Sexy lingerie. Vibrators that have too many bells and whistles were a bust. Candy underwear definitely did not work.
Woman B:
I've tried losing weight, dressing in sexy outfits, and love to talk dirty. Sexy outfits and lingerie used to work. Now, nothing works.
I've tried losing weight, dressing in sexy outfits, and love to talk dirty. Sexy outfits and lingerie used to work. Now, nothing works.
Woman C:
We like to channel the same energy we had when we first met. Being ourselves works. Being what we think the other one wants doesn't.
We like to channel the same energy we had when we first met. Being ourselves works. Being what we think the other one wants doesn't.
Woman D:
We love trying out sex toys, so that keeps things pretty interesting.
We love trying out sex toys, so that keeps things pretty interesting.
Is there anything sexually that you don't really like that much but you do it to please your partner?Woman A:
No. I enjoy everything he does to me and with me.
No. I enjoy everything he does to me and with me.
Woman B:
I try to make loud noises when we have sex. He likes to hear me moan and sound like I'm enjoying sex.
I try to make loud noises when we have sex. He likes to hear me moan and sound like I'm enjoying sex.
Woman C:
I never do anything that involves me feeling hurt, insulted, or compromised, but my husband would never ask me to do something I wouldn't naturally want to do anyway.
I never do anything that involves me feeling hurt, insulted, or compromised, but my husband would never ask me to do something I wouldn't naturally want to do anyway.
Woman D:
There's nothing I wouldn't do to please my partner. However, if he ever asked for a threesome, that would change!
There's nothing I wouldn't do to please my partner. However, if he ever asked for a threesome, that would change!
What do you think is the biggest myth about married sex? Woman A:
That it gets boring and you don't desire it as much.
That it gets boring and you don't desire it as much.
Woman B:
That once you get married, all your problems will disappear and that you will have more sex than you did before.
That once you get married, all your problems will disappear and that you will have more sex than you did before.
Woman C:
That you stop having it. Believe me, it only gets better.
That you stop having it. Believe me, it only gets better.
Woman D:
That if you're married, your sex life is close to nonexistent. So not true. It depends on the people.
That if you're married, your sex life is close to nonexistent. So not true. It depends on the people.
What do you think is the key to having a happy sex life as a married couple?Woman A:
Staying in good shape. When you feel sexy and are healthy, I think your sex drive is higher. Having a strong physical connection to begin with, and never taking each other for granted. Also, I don't nag him ever. That is a sexual appetite buzzkill for a man.
Staying in good shape. When you feel sexy and are healthy, I think your sex drive is higher. Having a strong physical connection to begin with, and never taking each other for granted. Also, I don't nag him ever. That is a sexual appetite buzzkill for a man.
Woman B:
Honest, open communication is the best. You also need to take care of your bodies and make sure you don't neglect your health. Be willing to get help if you lose your sexual desire. You owe that much to your spouse.
Honest, open communication is the best. You also need to take care of your bodies and make sure you don't neglect your health. Be willing to get help if you lose your sexual desire. You owe that much to your spouse.
Woman C:
Always communicate and always staying connected.
Always communicate and always staying connected.
Woman D:
Communication, transparency, and being creative.
Communication, transparency, and being creative.
EmoticonEmoticon